:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
