Farmville is her only friend.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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