Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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