My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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