Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
