the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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