It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
