Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
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