My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
