My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
