My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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