Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
