He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize