I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
i think my cat just said my name.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
