You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
