I just pynch a tree in the face
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
