"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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