Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
