i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Someone came in the potted fern
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
