Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
