After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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