I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
