I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
im six kinds of drunk right now
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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