Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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