Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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