So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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