You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
