the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
