we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
