I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
