I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
