I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
