i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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