Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
