I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
