He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Actions speak louder than pants.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize