Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
