Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
