Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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