why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
