I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Even my vagina gasped.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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