I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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