Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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