i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
