I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
