when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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