Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Thank you for not boning my boss.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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