I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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