i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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