I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
They have beer where we have blood.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
