I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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