Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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