Moan for me like Helen Keller
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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