Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
