Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
