First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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