Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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