I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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