if i can run in heels then i can drive
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
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