just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
