If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
