As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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